In every family there can be different confusions, spores, but it not always is cause for a divorce. In fact by a similar act parents can inflict a psychical trauma to the child. Dissolution of marriage, that for adults seems an exit from a situation, for children is a large tragedy that forever will register in memory. Only valuable family forms the necessary psychoemotional state of child, as parents are considered the inalienable particle of her life.
Warm domestic hearth
Each of us dreams about ideal family. But maybe it? For many women of word-combination a “ideal” man usually means and cute, and provided, and more main all – without pernicious habits. The representative of opposite sex interprets it in its own way: a main criterion at the choice of wife is first of all beauty, and already then all virtues. Finding each other, young people decide to marry.
If to poll many people, for what necessary family them, then answers will be different. Some consider that for continuation of family, other –for proceeding in physical and spiritual forces. It was to hear and very strange ideas, for example, family is needed for rest. In accordance with it every married couple in its own way builds a domestic cosy home and brings up children. In happy families love, mutual understanding and respect, dominates to each other.
Psychologists undertook an original sociological study for finding out of this question and knew, what personality lines of man and brigades had assisted strengthening of family. As results of questioning showed, on a pedestal such qualities appeared first of all, as patience, pliability, sensitiveness, ability to come to help, ingenuity. Interesting is that such that on the face of it seem domestic especially appeared on the last place, is an economy, economic skills, external attractiveness.
That domestic fireplace did not go out
Notice, even love that is basis of marriage guarantees durability of family not always. And it is not devices, but results of the sociological questioning. Among the accrued families almost every second – crisis. Seems, yet yesterday youths swore to each other: “With you – though to” the end of the earth, “Only death will separate us”, and the amount of inferior families and unhappy children that will be brought up without a father or mother grows today.
Regrettably, but in the general way of life matrimonial idyll for some reason often closes very quickly. In family there are spores: a man and wife begin to find out, who of them main. But when business reaches in a “mortal gun” – jealousness, then each of young people tries not to attract attention strangers, not to bake until done to the wife or man to living. Afterwards the mutual understanding and trust disappear between these people. Eventually all of it ends with a simple phrase: did not “meet characters”.
It is therefore necessary to study to guard a domestic hearth, that it did not go out, to line up the culture of matrimonial communication. In fact knowledge of these rules allows to avoid many incidents and keep good relations, even if there are serious divergences. Ability to find a compromise – this be very important. Frank egoism, obstinacy, result only in the greater intensifying of divergences. And, accordingly, to dissolution of marriage.
It is a bitter word “divorce”
Divorce – ne of peracute problems of contemporaneity. It is very strong emotional and psychical shock, that abandons a noticeable imprint on life and health of and woman, and man. There are quite a bit married couples, that, running into vital confusions, decide to part. Well, if their family consists only of two persons. But as to be in that case, when already are there children? To ignore their psychoemotional state? Parents understand miraculously, that a kid will be healthy and cheerful, having valuable family.
But they put a mask on of indifference sometimes, submerge in the problems and does not notice child’s experiencing. After a divorce often such happens: one week a child lives in mothers, and following – or a dad or in general seen from with parents only on a weekend). In any case, a child does not get that love, warmth so much, how many had in valuable family. And partly she feels deprived. Deprived by a not toy or by a candy, but maternal or paternal love. A child has a psychological trauma.
When children suffer
If in each of parents the new family is afterwards built, then a child feels necessary nobody. After some time, when problems are with studies or behavior, mother with a dad begin to recriminate in wrong education of child. But about it it was necessary to think before.
Here I one girl that wished to remain anonymous tells about the child’s remembrances: “My parents quarreled often, it seemed sometimes, that hostility between them had increased with every day all anymore and anymore. When I was in a seventh class, parents parted, but tried to hide it from me. Afterwards I knew about everything and it was very difficult, as it was to be torn between a dad and mother. Regret me it was mother that submerged all in work and tried to pretend, nothing happened as though. A father in general left off to come home. And I saw him all rarer. Knew after some time, that a dad had married and a child appeared for him. I was overfilled by a hatred, malice, it was indifferently to everything. I wish to nobody to appear in such situation”.
Opinion of psychologist is of paternal squabbles and child’s traumas
About that, how the divorce of parents influences on the psyche of child, told psychologist of Plokhikh Alla Hryhorivna: “In my opinion, family is basis of increase of healthy child. Exactly she enters her in the world of relationships with other. Family gives to the child of feeling of belonging to the certain group, will realize a necessity out of harm’s way, comfort, gives the real proofs of the meaningfulness for other, from what sense of full value develops for a man. Family forms sense of the uniqueness and individuality, gives a standard for an inheritance. All these necessities are vitally important for every child, whatever age she was. The important factor of psychical health of child is a psychological “climate” of family. He substantially influences on a child, causes the state of comfort or discomfort. The divorce of parents can become the real tragedy, large grief. Often a divorce generates for a child the whole squall of emotions : shame, malice, guilt, alarm, fear to be abandoned, depression, feeling of heavy casualty and even desire to take revenge. Sometimes parents hide the problems from children. And even when they constantly quarrel inter se, their divorce for a child can show oneself a complete surprise. Quite often parents part because one of them is guilty in domestic treason. In another cases anger and scream outgrow in violence and one of parents it will be to beware both for own life, and in the time of life the children. Some parents aim to part not after quite reasonable reasons. One shows the egoism and, in exchange, to overcome difficulties, they part, declaring here, that “compatible life no longer brings luck to them” or, that they do not love “each other already”.
Not to repeat a paternal error
As experience shows, a man, that did not get in childhood maternal and paternal love, warmth that often ran into the domestic problems of parents and squabbles, tries any method to keep the world and consent in the family, if his her) the children knew never, as it to grow without a dad or mother.
The same anonymous girl on our question “If will not you be able to live with the man, how will do” then? answered so: “I will try to decide our domestic problems, to find a compromise with a man, but never will leave the children, as know, as it, to grow without a father”.
Well, when people realize that they must study not only on stranger errors but also on the own, to aim to create domestic harmony, able forgive and begin to think of that do, that by the actions not to injure near.
Advices of specialists
A psychologist gives quite a bit advices to the parents that parted, that touch correct behavior with children . Among them it costs to distinguish such:
- The decision about a divorce report to the child together, explain that her guilt is not here, you love her, as well as before;
- Intermingle with a child, take interest her by the personal life, keep going
- Do not turn a child against other from parents;
- If she very experiences, appeal to the psychologist, a child must exactly know how a divorce will influence on her life, with whom she will live and where, or it will be needed to change school;
- Tell the truth to the child about financial and other pressures;
- Report to the teachers about a divorce, that they could understand a child and help her, if there will be problems with behavior or success;
- Do not try to buy love of child expensive gifts;
- Do not quarrel from each other in presence your child;
- Not force the a child to accept adult decisions, for example, who she will remain with, but take into account her wish;
- If for you new family, give time to get used to it, work out the relationships with a stepfather or stepmother to her, in your house there must be favourite toys, films and meal, that a child felt for you, as at home;
- When a child remained not with you, do not transform for the “Sunday dad” or “Santa Claus “, intermingle with her regularly, conduct leisure.
- Adjust to her mode. Bring a child over home in time, that she could spend time with a mother and go back to everyday life.
The words of L M Tolstoi remembered that all happy families are alike one on other, and each unhappy unhappy in its own way. Dear parents, before to make decision about dissolution of marriage, once again think. First of all about further life of your children.